Gambling is fun, so you should always have time for a laugh or two. In our Jokes, Quotes and Fun section, you can find a new joke or quote for every week of the year. Or, if you can’t wait that long, you can browse our archive of gambling jokes below and see how many make you spill your drink. Enjoy our selection, and may laughter be yours.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!”
Martha replies, “Should I pack for warm weather or cold?”
The man responds, “I don’t care. Just get out!”
“My husband’s going to a casino in central Asia,” says one elderly Bingo player to another.
“Of course,” the old woman says, quite annoyed. “Why else would he go to a casino?”
Rearrange the letters: SLOT MACHINES.
Answer: CASH LOST IN EM.
Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell. Petrus says, “Bill, we don’t know what to do with you, so you can choose if you want to go to heaven or hell.”
Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old, boring men sitting at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling.
Impressed, Bill says, “I am a gambling man. I want to go to hell!”
Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire. As he’s burning in the flames, Bill shouts, “Hey, what is this?!! I saw all the gambling, the women, and the sex!”
The devil says, “That was just a demo version.”
Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.
She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m half naked.” With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants!” She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.
“YES! I WIN! I WIN!” she shouts. She picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?” The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!”
A blonde is in Vegas vacationing with her friends. She walks to a candy machine and puts in two coins. She turns the knob and a candy bar falls out.
She picks up the candy bar and puts it in her pocket. Then she puts two more coins into the slot and turns the knob; again a candy bar falls out and she puts it in her pocket.
The blonde smiles, puts two more coins into the machine and again turns the knob, producing yet another candy bar.
A man has been watching from a short distance away and walks up to the blonde. He says, “Excuse me, miss, what are you doing?”
The blonde replies, “Duh! I’m winning here!”
Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.
“The brightest dog I ever had,” said one, “was a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep.”
“You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars.”
“Had to,” the man replied. “Caught him using marked cards!”
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This piques his curiosity, so he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.
The next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog just like everybody else. The dog acts in turn with all of the other players: calling, raising, discarding, and doing everything that the human players are doing.
Oddly, none of the other players seems to pay any mind to the fact that they are playing with a dog. They treat him just like any other player.
Finally, the man can no longer contain his curiosity, so between hands he says quietly to one of the human players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker! He must be the smartest dog in the world!”
The player smiles and says, “He’s not that smart. Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, “Three million dollars.”
The accounts person is startled and says, “In what form?”
The little old lady says, “Cash. I’ve got it here in this bag…” The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag full of green stuff with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle the situation. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.
She says, “Gambling.”
“Gambling?” he says. “What sort of gambling?”
“Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I’ve got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I’ll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you’d be willing to wager on that?”
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn’t get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. “I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn’t feel right taking it from you…there’s no way you can win a bet like that!”
The little old lady just shakes the bag and says, “I know what I’m doing…and I can afford to lose, even though I’m not going to. Is it a bet?”
“OK, have it your way,” says the president, and they shake hands.
“See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning,” says the little old lady, and with that she leaves.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president’s office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He’d checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing: his balls were perfectly normal.
When the little old lady arrives he starts to relax, knowing he had won the bet.
“Come in, please, and have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?” says the president.
“He’s my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?”
“No, perfectly understandable,” says the president. “Well, it’s now noon, and I’m still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he says happily.
“Not so fast!” says the little old lady. “For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.”
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he’d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
“OK, you win, here’s your $100,000,” says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As soon as she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
“What’s wrong with him?” asks the bank president.
“Oh, he’s just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.”
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.”
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays… “God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays… “My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: “Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.”
Have you heard the touching story of the young man who said to his girlfriend, “I bet you wouldn’t marry me?”
The story goes that she not only called his bet, but raised him five!
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it’s appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player says, “When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealer’s fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer has nothing to do with it. Why should I tip him?”
The dealer says, “When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?”
“Yes,” the player says.
“Well, that’s because the waiter serves you food. I serve you cards, so you should tip me.”
“OK,” the player says, “but the waiter gives me what I ask for… I’ll take an eight.”
One day Little Babbit walks in on his parents having sex. “What are you doing?” asks Little Babbit.
“We’re playing poker and your mom’s the wild card,” replies his father.
So Little Babbit walks out and goes into his sister’s room and sees his sister and her boyfriend having sex. “What are you doing?” asks Little Babbit.
“We’re playing poker and he’s the wild card,” replies his sister.
So Little Babbit walks out and goes into his own room. Later, Little Babbit’s father walks in. “What are you doing?” his father shouts.
Little Babbit replies, “I’m playing poker!”
“But where’s your wild card?” his father asks.
“With a hand like this, who needs a wild card?”
A strong young man at a construction site is bragging that he can outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He makes a point of making fun of one of the older workmen the most. After several minutes, the older worker has had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” the older workman says. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building over there that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replies. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reaches out and grabs the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he says, “All right. Get in.”
One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly calls out, “My son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone, help!”
A man from a nearby table stands up and announces that he is quite experienced at this sort of thing. He steps over with almost no look of concern at all, wraps his hands around the boy’s gonads, and squeezes. Out pops the quarter. The man goes back to his table as though nothing happened.
“Thank you! Thank you!” the father cries. “Are you a paramedic?”
“No,” replies the man. “I work for the IRS.”
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband.
“To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men who will pay me $500 to do what I do for free for you!”
The man ponders for a moment, and then begins packing HIS bags. “What do you think you’re doing?” his wife says, surprised.
“I’m going to Las Vegas with you. I want to see how you’re going to live on $1000 a year!”
Little Tommy is the quietest boy in school. He never answers any questions but his homework is always quite excellent. If anyone says anything to him he simply nods, or shakes his head. The staff thinks he is shy and decides to do something to give him confidence.
“Tommy,” says his teacher. “I’ve just bet Miss Smith five dollars I can get you to say three words. You can have half.”
Tommy looks at her pityingly and says, “You lose.”
“I want you to help me stop my son’s gambling,” an anxious father says to his boy’s principal. “I don’t know where he gets it from, but it’s bet, bet, bet.”
“Leave it to me,” says the principal. A week later he phones the boy’s father. “I think I’ve cured him,” the principal says.
“Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said, ‘I bet that’s a false beard.’ ‘How much?’ I asked, and he said ‘Five dollars.’ ”
“What happened?” asks the father.
“Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite natural, and I made him give me five dollars. I’m sure that’ll teach him a lesson.”
“No, it won’t,” says the father. “He bet me ten dollars this morning that he’d pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!”
Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He’d gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men’s room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine instead and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table, where he turned his slot-machine money into ten million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man, he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, “I’m that man. I was the one who gave you that dime.”
“You’re not the one I’m looking for,” Ned replied. “I’m looking for the guy who left the stall door open!”
President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They’d spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. “The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. We learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette,” the African leader said.
President Clinton frowned. “Russian roulette is a dangerous game!”
The African leader smiled. “That’s why we’ve developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you’ll have to play. I’ll show you how.” He pushed a buzzer, and in paraded a half dozen, magnificently beautiful women who immediate shrugged off their garb. “You can choose any one of these women to give you oral sex,” the African leader told Clinton.
As you can imagine, THIS got Clinton’s immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice when a thought occurred to him. “How is this related to Russian roulette?” Clinton asked.
The African leader smiled, leaned towards the president and in a soft, even voice said, “One of them is a cannibal.”
How do you get a sweet, little, 80-year-old lady to say “F*CK”?
Get another sweet, little, 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
When is the only time you split tens?
When the table is full and your buddies need a seat.
Did you hear that Rodney Dangerfield joined Gamblers Anonymous?
They gave him 3-to-1 that he wouldn’t make it.
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won’t you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool—nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.
A man is quietly reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
“What the hell was that for?” the man says.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it!” she shouts.
“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” her husband explains. His wife looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he’s again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to he says, “Jesus, what was that for?!” “Your horse phoned,” his wife informs him.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
The best bet for a player to make is what is called a “mind bet.” You stand behind the game, watch the action, and attempt to predict the winner. You never bet any real money; you only bet in your mind.
Last week a friend of mine lost his mind three times.
Three buddies decide to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flies by and they all have a great time. After they return home and the men go back to work, they sit around at break time and discuss their vacation.
The first guy says, “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers ‘7 come 11’ all night! I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”
The second guy says, “I know what you mean. My old lady played blackjack the whole time and now she slaps the bed all night and hollers, ‘Hit me light or hit me hard!’ I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”
The third guy says, “You guys think you have it bad? My old lady played slots the whole time in Vegas and now I wake up every morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!”
A woman is in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel catches her attention. She decides to play at the roulette table but says, “I have no idea what number to play.”
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up.
The smile drifts from the woman’s face and she faints.
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end.
“We need a fourth for poker,” says the doctor’s friend.
“I’ll be right over,” whispers the doctor.
As he puts on his coat, the doctor’s wife says, “Is it serious?”
“Oh yes,” the doctor replies gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already.”
Two friends, Smith and Jones, go together to play slot machines at the casino. Each agrees that when his allotted money is gone, he will go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for his friend. Jones quickly loses all of his money and goes to sit on the bench. He waits and waits and waits and waits. After what seems like an eternity, he sees Smith coming toward him carrying a huge sack of coins.
“Hey, Jones,” says Smith, “how’d you do?”
“Well, Smith,” says Jones, “you see me here on this bench—what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though.”
“Oh yeah,” says Smith, “did I find a good machine! It’s way in the back. I’ll show it to you—you can’t lose! Every time you put a dollar in, four quarters come out!”
“What’ll you have, Normie?”
“Well, I’m in a gambling mood, Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.”
“Looks like beer, Norm.”
“Call me Mister Lucky.”
A husband and wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “that was my mistress.”
The wife says, “That’s it! I want a divorce!”
“I understand,” replies her husband. “But remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours.”
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. “Who’s that woman with Jim?” she asks.
“That’s his mistress,” replies her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” says his wife.
A man is walking along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: “DIG !” He looks around, but nobody’s there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: “I SAID, DIG!”
So the man starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands. After a short time, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice returns and says: “OPEN!”
OK, the man thinks, let’s open this thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees hundreds of gold coins. The deep voice returns again and says: “TO THE CASINO!”
Since the casino is only a few miles away, the man listens to the deep voice, takes the chest and walks to the casino. When he arrives at the casino, the deep voice says: “ROULETTE!”
The man changes all of the gold coins into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him in disbelief. Just then, the deep voice says: “TWENTY-SEVEN!”
The man takes the whole pile of coins and drops it on the number 27. The table falls silent when the croupier throws the ball. Everybody waits to see what will happen.
The ball stops on 26.
After a few moments, the deep voice returns and says: “SHIT.”
A man walks into a butcher’s shop and inquires of the butcher: “Are you a gambling man?”
The butcher says “Yes,” so the man says: “I’ll bet you fifty dollars that you can’t reach up and touch the meat hanging on those hooks up there.”
The butcher says, “I’m not betting on that.”
The man protests. “I thought you were a gambling man!”
“I am,” says the butcher. “But the steaks are too high.”
A rabbi, a minister and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: “Father Murphy, were you gambling?”
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, “Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.”
To the police officer, he then says, “No, officer, I was not gambling.”
The officer then asks the minister: “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?”
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, “No, officer, I was not gambling.” Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?” Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: “With whom?”
Have you heard about the new three million dollar West Virginia State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
A mean old lady taps the keeper of the zoo monkey house indignantly on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, sir, but those wretched animals of yours appear to be involved in shooting dice! I demand that you break up the game at once.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am,” the keeper of the monkey house says, “but I’m keeping them strictly within the law. They’re only playing for peanuts.”
Buckshot is a compulsive gambler, betting on anything and everything: horses, dogs, football, baseball, basketball, snooker and even soccer games. When Buckshot is down to his last dollar, he goes to his best friend and says, “Roy, I need $1,000. We have no food, I owe rent, the kids need jeans for school, and the wife won’t leave the house because we have bad checks at all the stores. Can you help me out?”
So his best buddy gives him $2,000 to get Buckshot back on his feet, but on one condition: that he does not use the money for gambling.
“Don’t worry,” Buckshot says. “I have money set aside for that.”
I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Matt. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Matt listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. All I had dreamt about was a huge, glowing number “5.” It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.
Matt’s curiosity was piqued, so I told him that the first thing I’d done that morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race.
Matt raised an eyebrow. I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named “The Fifth Element.” Matt couldn’t believe it.
Then I told Matt point-by-point what I had done that day:
-I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee
-I went for a five mile jog to clear my head
-I took a five minute shower
-I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet
-I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up
-I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth spot in the fifth row
-I entered through the fifth admissions gate
-I bought five programs
-I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race
-I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me.
I settled in and waited for the race to start.
“Well,” said Matt, getting excited. “Did the horse win?”
“No,” I said. “Stupid horse came in fifth.”
Scott has a serious gambling problem. Every time he comes home his wife asks him how much money he’s lost at the casino. One night, Scott never comes home at all, and walks in the house at 9 in the morning.
His wife glares at him.
“I have something to admit,” Scott says quietly. “I was at the bar last night, got drunk, and went home with the barmaid. I’m sorry.”
His wife looks at him for a moment. Then she says, “Don’t give me that crap. How much did you lose at the dice table last night?”
A group from Chicago spends a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on the trip wins $100,000. He doesn’t want anyone to know about it, so he decides not to return with the others, but takes a later plane home—arriving back at 3 in the morning. He immediately goes out to the back yard of his house, digs a hole and plants the money in it. The following morning he walks outside and finds only an empty hole. He notices footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which is owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lives a professor who understands sign language and is a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man goes to awaken the professor and drags him to the deaf man’s house.
“You tell this guy that if he doesn’t give me back my $100,000 I’m going to kill him!” he screams at the professor.
The professor conveys the message to his friend, and his friend replies in sign language, “I hid it in my back yard, underneath the cherry tree.”
The professor turns to the man with the gun and says, “He’s not going to tell you. He said he’d rather die first.”
A successful businessman flies to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He loses the shirt off his back and has nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket—if he can just get to the airport he can get himself home!
So he goes out to the front of the casino where there is a cab waiting. He gets in and explains his situation to the cabbie. He promises to send the driver money from home, he offers him his credit card numbers, his driver’s license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabbie says, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman is forced to hitch-hike to the airport and barely gets there in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returns to Vegas and this time wins big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he goes out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck! The businessman thinks for a moment about how he can make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hits on a plan.
The businessman gets in the first cab in the line and says, “How much for a ride to the airport?”
“Fifteen bucks,” comes the reply.
“And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?”
“What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab!”
The businessman get into the back of each cab in the long line and asks the same questions, with the same result. When he gets to his old friend at the back of the line, he gets in and asks, “How much for a ride to the airport?”
The cabbie replies, “Fifteen bucks.”
The businessman says “OK,” and off they go. Then, as they drive slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gives a big smile and thumbs up sign to each cab driver.
Bookie: A pickpocket who lets you use your own hands.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
A bum asks a man for two dollars.
“Will you buy booze with it?” the man asks.
“No,” the bum says.
“Will you gamble with it?” the man asks.
“No,” the bum says.
“Will you come home with me so I can show my wife what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”
A regular Friday night poker game is still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returns from the bathroom with an urgent report.
“Roger, listen,” the man says. “Walter’s in the kitchen making love to your wife.”
“OK, that’s it,” Roger says. “This is positively the last deal.”
Two men are at the casino and are just leaving to go home at 3 in the morning.
The first man says, “You know what I hate about this? When I go home, I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight.”
The second man says, “What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the front door. Then I yell ‘Honey, I’m home,’ run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, ‘How about a little love, woman?’ She never even moves.”
TEN SIGNS YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH ONLINE GAMBLING:
1. You go to a hockey game and wonder what happened to the dealers and boxman.
2. When an ambulance passes with flashing lights, you assume someone hit a “hand pay.”
3. When your kid says math “came easy” today, you ask if it was a 4, 6, 8 or 10.
4. You go into a shoe store and ask if they have a 4, 6, or 8 deck.
5. When your English professor says the author made his point, you ask if he pressed or not.
6. You hear the bible story where Lazarus is told to “Come out,” and you ask for a 2-way C and E.
7. You show up early at the bakery to take advantage of the hot rolls.
8. You wonder if a salad shooter is really a gambling device.
9. When the bartender asks if you want a “double,” you say not against an ace.
10. You go into a 7-11 and ask to play the “don’t.”
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.
Satan: “Why so glum?”
Guy: “Why do you think? I’m in hell!”
Satan: “Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?” Guy: “Sure, I love to drink.”
Satan: “Well you’re going to love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca. And we don’t worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.”
Guy: “Gee, that sounds great!”
Satan: “You a smoker?”
Guy: “You better believe it!”
Satan: “All right! You’re going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer – no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?”
Guy: “Wow, that’s awesome!”
Satan: “I bet you like to gamble.”
Guy: “Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
Satan: “Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt… you’re dead anyhow.”
Guy: “WOW! I never realized hell was such a cool place!”
Satan: “You gay?”
Guy: “Hell, no!”
Satan: “Hmmm, you’re gonna hate Fridays then.”
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains how the game works:
“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.”
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures he will easily win the match since his opponent is a blonde, so he makes another offer:
“Okay, how about this. If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers—all to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
During the Great Depression, a man walks into a bar one day. He walks up to the bartender and says, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”
The bartender says, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.” The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” he asks.
“I’m a professional gambler,” replies the man.
The bartender says, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?”
“Well, I only bet on sure things,” says the guy.
“Like what?” asks the bartender.
“Well, for example, I’ll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye.”
The bartender thinks about it and says, “OK.” So the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it.
“Aw, you screwed me,” says the bartender, and pays the guy his $50.
“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye,” says the stranger.
The bartender thinks again and says, “Well, I know you’re not blind since I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye.
“Aw, you screwed me again!” says the bartender.
“That’s how I win so much money, bartender,” says the man. “I’ll just take a bottle of your best Scotch in lieu of the $50.”
With that, the guy goes to the back room and spends the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbles up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, says, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into the whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”
The bartender once again ponders the bet. The guy can’t even stand up straight on his own two feet, much less one. “OK, you’re on,” he says.
The guy climbs up on the bar, stands on one leg, and begins pissing all over the place. He hits the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop makes it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender is ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender says, “Hey pal, you owe me $500!”
The guy climbs down off the bar and says, “That’s OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!”